I’ve been struggling with Going for Ten Thousand. This started with an off handed comment about how I should raise $10,000, and it became a way for me to cope with my mom’s MS. The hardest part of my mom’s MS is the inability to control it. I like knowing what’s going to happen next. With MS, we’re constantly told that at some point it could get worse, and when it gets worse, it could get worse very quickly or very slowly. Also, it may never get worse. My family is lucky, because it hasn’t gotten worse.
I remember when she was first diagnosed. It was the summer before fourth grade, and my parents called me into their bedroom. They tried to explain it to me, and I didn’t really get it. I knew it was bad, because my dad was crying. I had never seen that before, but I also hadn’t noticed my mom was sick. To me, sick was coughing, blowing your nose, and having a fever. I just saw my mom taking more naps.
Then I met Charlie Siewert. They told me Charlie had MS too, but he seemed fine to me. I decided if Charlie was okay, my mom must be okay. Then Charlie got worse. Ten years later, we were at his funeral, and I couldn’t shake the connection I had made a decade earlier. Charlie was gone, and it became much more real. While my mom was still doing well, I realized she might not always be okay. When I looked at Charlie, I saw my mom, and it scared me.
This project gave me something to control. I didn’t know what I was doing, but I was doing something. I never imagined it would become this, and I’m always amazed by the support I’ve received. But it’s become so big I feel like I’ve lost control.
Big is good, and big means more money. Emotionally, big is hard. It forces me to deal with my mom’s MS every day, which can be wearing. At times, it feels like I can’t take a break from Going for Ten Thousand. I’ve always been very internally driven, but I think I’ve lost that recently. I’ve been trying to meet other people’s expectations. I need to remember why I started this. This needs to still be something that I do, because I want to do it. This is something that I’ve been struggling since last semester. I need to take a break, and I’m finally okay with it.
I’m still that confused kid that doesn’t quite understand what is going on. I know I’m still in control, but it’s different now. I’m going to figure it out, and I promise you Going for Ten Thousand is not over.
With love,
Becky
